Thirteen minutes before going to radiology my thoughts stray toward the empty feeling in my gut. When I arrived earlier today, ready to do the office work assigned to me, I felt as if I had entered a completely foreign setting. As I write from this workstation, at which I have written many documents, I cannot shake the sense that I am forestalling my absence; I feel as if I am seeing myself not as I am but as I was. My surroundings are recognizable but they are becoming increasingly strange, almost dreamlike.
These perceptions do not seem too odd, considering that I have undertaken to disassociate myself from they whose lives' I impact. I don't dislike the people in my life, rather I care for them enough to know that I need to systematically distance myself from them in such a way that time and lack of proximity appear to be the culprits behind the cooling of the relationship. The space I anticipate to create between I and the people who know me is intended to create a cushion for their relief rather than a barrier for my comfort. My decision to separate myself from those I know has to do entirely with my trepidation and resulting unwillingness to trust.
If I may have a little peace of mind knowing that I wove a knotty tangle so unworth the time to puzzle out, then only my worst qualities shall be known and the truth of me shall be lost. To the keeper of truth whom is One with the Word which is the Truth, the truth is never lost. My trusting heart is in His hands, and He Will see me through. In Him I place all my faith, which by His Grace, I have been given, that He will save me. For now I'll settle with the 'truth' that others care to see and to believe, however baseless or incomplete.
The days blur in and out, and this is how I see the world: baseless and incomplete... Last night I played the message of that sweet-sad voice, and that is how I found some sleep. I was too tired to dream.
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