At near to 6:00 a.m., I remain sleepless and hungry. My dinner for Friday was a gin martini with an olive and a pickled onion. Ahead of me is another day of fasting until Sunday morning. The lucidity which comes through deprivation, I hope, with God's help shall give me strength to bear not hearing, until the Ides of February, the sweetest voice to ever enter my life.
What lead me to this decision came, by God's Grace, after prayer and fasting last weekend. It took several days for this clarity to reach my mind and fully convict my heart; revealing to me that desires are fleeting and changing, and that desire serves as guide for our imaginations in our search to define how we are perceived. The changing nature of desire, however, can create serial distractions; moreover, while it may serve us, desire can prevent us from accepting the truth of our lives. Desire does not create meaning, it festoons and embellishes our lives, and it can point out, even highlight meaning and purpose; but, desire gives us little more than a temporary impetus to live.
Our lives take form and gain solidity as we begin to realize and to struggle to accept that one of our prime necessities is to be needed: being needed gives our life meaning. I need food to live: fasting intensifies this realization. I need to be loved, to be needed; without this, as Frankle says: "...they lost the desire to open their eyes, to rise from their cots; and, eventually, they lost the desire to eat and finally to breathe."
(A new countdown: 29 days before heart-song; continuing countdown-- 59 days)
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